bunch of sensitive southern pansies

VR and me

Disclaimer: The following is written by an opinionated oaf and should not be taken particularly seriously. If you get offended, it's your own fault for reading it and taking shit seriously. No facts were considered, opinions withheld, spelling checked, and certainly no proof reading occured. Read at your own risk.
My version of the events that took place on 21st May
After many months of not seeing Matt and many more years of not visiting Brighton I arranged to venture south.
I drive between 20 and 30 thousand miles a year so I was aware that my 90 minute journey would take me roughly two weeks but after leaving at 0645 I still managed to arrive at Matt’s before 0830. Will was already there after leaving his flat in the marshlands at 0230.
The first stop was breakfast at Sainsbury where Matt and Will ate a cooked breakfast, I ate a banana and learned the milk in my coffee was killing me.
After eating we shopped for some supplies. I bought some water (hoping it wasn’t poison in disguise), Will bought a can of “just for men” and some fizzy stuff that claimed to reverse the aging process. Matt purchased a box of detergent, a mop, windolene, shake & vac, a tin of Vim, some dusters and 2 cans of Mr Sheen as it was on offer (buy 2 and save 4p)
Then it was back to Matt’s where he made us take off our shoes then marked out his territory in the living room by peeing in every corner. I was starting to remember why it had been so long since my last visit.
He then spent a further decade setting up his VR unit for us to try out.
First up was Will.
Matt placed the headset on him and asked him to hold out his hands in the form of fists. After a bit of a scuffle Will exclaimed he was holding a banana for which Matt apologised.
Matt emerged grinning and Will looked on in awe at the banana.
Next up was the VR tutorial:
Will successfully blew up a few balloons then skipped wildly amongst them singing in glee at the wonderful colours.
During my tutorial I created a balloon tank and shot all of Will’s balloon animals.
After the tutorial we got down to some proper gaming.
I was first up and I played a space invaders style game where in one hand I had an obscured shield and in the other a gun which gave the choice of fire modes so I went for short burst fire. This game was a tremendous amount of fun and took a great deal of concentration to not have a jagged shot in my direction followed by the notification of game over.
Will went next on the space invaders game and the peace loving hippy in him led to negotiations with the extra terrestrial invaders. He was close to a trade deal of flux capacitors before he farted and they thought he was attacking with a dirty bomb so they shot him.
Whilst Will had the headset on he went on to play a VR version of donkey konga which involved using coloured paddles on your hands to bat away coloured blobs. It was the worst case of bad dad dancing I have seen since I last went clubbing with Carl and he imitated a chimpanzee.
I followed up with a Queen medley and totally nailed it.
Next up was the zombie game. I’m not going to hold back here. This game was terrifying.
On Matt’s monitor they looked like cartoony cardboard cutouts of zombies but for my game Matt put it in reality mode. I had real life dismembered bodies shambling towards me hell bent on killing me. The only weapon I had was a catapult and some lemon bonbons as ammo. Against all odds I held my nerve and survived the holocaust.
Will then had a play on this game and he insisted on cartoon mode yet he still screamed like a girl and pee'd on the floor when one came close to him. He also had a full armoury and the 5th battalion of the cold stream guards backing him up yet he failed at the first wave. Matt then went on to mop up the wee and disinfect the room.
Matt then decided to test my loyalty to Star Wars and placed me inside an X-Wing simulator with Tie Fighters to shoot at. What can I say, I kicked arse. After an hour of him begging me to let him have a go I gave the headset to Will and after 30 seconds he threw up everywhere. It even soaked into my socks which I had to throw away but Matt grabbed his cleaning products he bought in Sainsbury and did an A1 job of cleaning up after Will. That's when it dawned on me why Matt bought the cleaning products
We then went off for some lunch which Will refused to eat due to still feeling sick.
When we got back Matt was suggesting we did some 3D drawing which I was really excited about because I have the best imagination when it comes to design.
Will chose the snowman background and spent a lot of time dancing around it with some sparkly shit. At one point he must have flipped a switch on the VR paddle to project the image of a naked man he drew dancing around him. I think if you’re going to draw that sort of thing then it should stay in your own twisted VR world.
Matt must have thought it was real because he got out his cleaning products again.
I then had 15 minutes to draw my masterpiece so I conjured up a complete battle station in space including a way of turning space debris into oxygen. I can’t say too much about it but I am in negotiations with NASA.
After that I watched a journey through someone’s brain then had a quick look around a minecraft world which was a little too blocky for my liking. I thought graphics were meant to be improving.
It was then time for us to leave as Matt had to give the place a proper clean before his wife came home so I jumped in my car, got to the end of his road and joined the queue for Dartford tunnel.
All in all an inspiring day and although I did think that VR was amazing I won’t be rushing out to purchase one (unless the NASA deal comes off then I’ll have to have one) for a couple of years
I believe Andy has also purchased one which is why the most searched item on google this week is VR porn.